i am here: here i am

i have not forgotten about you.  and there are some things that i want to share.  so hunker down for a minute.

i have been making some really healthy choices for my life in the past month.  nothing drastic or life changing, at least on the surface.  but below the surface?  oh, they're making an impact.

some of my active/physical choices:

i started running again.  not a lot.  my body simply won't tolerate a lot.  but some.  and to be honest, it feels good.  no matter what i say, please don't ever let me run a marathon again.  not all people are meant to do that. 

i've also been incorporating yoga and volleyball.  so i am doing restful things and fun things.  those are important keys to being active and not hating it.

some of my habit choices:

i'm drinking at least 80 ounces of water per day.  that was really hard initially, and i still pee alllllllllll the time, but i can feel the positive effects of it on my body. 

i'm getting at least 6 hours of sleep every night.  that number might still seem low to some of you, but the consistent amount is the important part.  my body certainly appreciates it--i have never been very good about quality sleep in the past, so this has been a nice blessing.

at least until my birthday, i'm not eating candy, dessert, or fast food.  i'm not drinking soda.  and i am being very deliberate about not eating excessively.  that means slowing down and thinking about my food choices. 

--

there are other things i am doing that pertain to whole life wellness.  i set some mental and spiritual goals along with my physical goals.  and my heart is really resting a lot more.  i'm recognizing myself and remembering who i want to be and where i want to go...and allowing the Lord to speak so much truth and grace into me. 

it's a good season.  and i wanted you to rejoice with me in it.

empty

And the weight becomes unbearable.

The pressure?  Too much.

I crack, ever so slightly.  Tiny bit by tiny bit.

I can feel it on the inside. 

But I disregard the warnings.

Keep the game face on.

Head down, plowing through…

as though there is nothing to be done.

The tension increases.  Systems fail.

And I am too weary to pretend, to fight.

So my pride seeps out the cracks.

You can hear the weariness in my voice--
it breaks as I try to speak through the tears.

My pride dissipates.

My sorrow fades away.

My anger wanes.

My hurt feelings sharpen, then soften, then evaporate.

I can feel the raw edges,
see my imperfections.

The flaws would overwhelm me if I’d let them…and I used to.

Grace for the graceless.

He calls me beloved,
whispers through my whimpers.

He is faithful
to this faithless fool.

The truth remains that he makes all things new.

And that is enough.

Holly Willman

3/26/13

Must be the learner in me...

I think I miss being in school. I miss having projects to do. Especially on the computer. Kelli will tell you I have a minor obsession with the budget I built in Excel. It's ridiculously dorky. And awesome.

I am contemplating learning how to code. Maybe. Just a little.

Does anybody want me to make them something in Excel? Please?

psalm 10

Psalm 10

Yahweh, why can’t I feel your nearness?
Why do I feel so alone when my world is shaking?
Bad men, full of pride, chase and abuse the helpless.
I hope they trip over their own wickedness.
They talk and talk about their wicked schemes.
They fawn over other evildoers and blaspheme you, Yahweh. 
Those fools can’t see you because they are so full of themselves.
They stupidly think you’re in the grave, Yahweh!
And still…they achieve what they want.
They don’t know you are storing up pain for them.
They mock their foes and think they will get away with it.
They say, “We are invincible, untouchable!”

Everything falling from their lips is rotten.
They speak words of destruction and think terrible thoughts.
They hide in dark alleys, waiting to pounce on the innocent.
All they want to do is ruin and kill others.
Creeping through the shadows,
stalking and hunting their prey…
they attack and capture the defenseless.
Who can stand against them?
Their wicked ways are too much!
They think you don’t see them, Yahweh!  Fools!
They think you are sleeping on the job and that they will get away with all of this.

Come on, Yahweh! 
Defend your people!
Make those evildoers suffer!
I don’t understand why their plans succeed—plans that mock you, Yahweh.
I know they think there is no punishment.
But you are not sleeping, and you are not blind.
Their awful behavior has not gone unnoticed.  You will act!
The forgotten and neglected turn to you,
because you care for the least of these.
Smash those evil people!
Completely wreck and demolish each and every one of them.
Yahweh, you are the ruler of eternity!
Tribes and nations who have walked away from you will soon be forgotten.
Yahweh, you hear the secret whispers of your people.
I just know you will shelter and care for them in their need.
You will call the wicked to account,
creating peace at last for the harassed and helpless.

psalm 9

Psalm 9

I will glorify you, Yahweh, with every fiber of my being;
I will broadcast your amazing wonders to the world.
My heart is both full of delight and can rest quietly because of your great love.
My life cries out, ‘Yes, Yahweh, you are high and holy!’

No one can stand against me--
they run and perish when you stood with me.
You have declared me innocent--
through the blood of Christ, you have cleared my name.
You have called out the liars and sinners around the world; you have kicked out the evildoers;
they are gone forever.
My foes are done, hopelessly wrecked--
the homes you destroyed are erased from memory.

But you, Yahweh, are the king of eternity!
You bring justice and righteousness to this world.
Your kingdom will usher in a new system,
where goodness and right living will rule the day.
Yahweh is protection for the whipped and beaten,
a safe harbor for weary and battered sailors.
All of us who know your intimate love rest securely in your arms,
for you, Yahweh, will always be a faithful father for the children who cry out to you.

Glorify our Yahweh!  He is king of Zion!
Shout out all he has done—the personal stories of his victory in your lives!
The great judge, defender of the martyrs…he is on our side!
He is acquainted with torment and trials, and he hears our desperation.

Oh, Yahweh, take pity on this suffering soul.
Do you hear their mockery?
Rescue me from their grasp, from their tentacles of pain and evil.
Redeem my life, for I want to declare your glory in the town square;
I want to shout out that you are my hero!

These evil men have seen it all blow up in their faces--
what they meant for others’ harm has come back to ensnare them.
Yahweh is the one who rights wrongs—it’s what he does!
Evildoers and sinners can’t get away from their own wickedness—it imprisons them.

Sinners will die and miss out on glory--
that’s what happens to men and women who disdain Yahweh.
But the weary and brokenhearted will soon have a voice;
indeed, their victory is coming!  Hope and restoration are on the way!

Up, Yahweh, rise up!
How can you let these wicked men defile your people?
Declare them guilty!  Punish them!
Terrify them with your greatness, Yahweh--
let them know they are nothing, and you are everything.

psalm 8

Psalm 8

O Yahweh, Yahweh, our Yahweh—your beauty and honor fill all time and space!

The weight of your presence is greater than both the heights and depths.
Mere babes speak your story—you put it in their hearts from birth.
Your foes have no words to explain this.
Your opponents cannot stand against you.
Yahweh, when I gaze at the dark sky and know you spread it out…
the sparkling, twinkling perfect lights you placed with precision…
who are we? 
Simple, tiny specks.
And yet—you know us!  You delight in us!
You cared for our eternal position—near to you—
and blessed our lives.
You gave us purpose and hope.
You let us work with the wonders of your creation—
cows and sheep,
badgers and baboons,
pelicans and piranhas,
shrimp and great white sharks.

Oh, Yahweh, Yahweh, our Yahweh—your beauty and honor fill all time and space!

i remember that swagger...

hey.  it's your negligent friend, holly.  let me just blow the dust off this blog here...

uh, you should back up if you have asthma or allergies...

ah, that's better.

so, a quick life update.

location: indianapolis, indiana
more specifically: travis and kelli's house

why i love it: well, to start, travis and kelli are there!  duh.  living with them is fun and awesome.  there's lots of good food, movie quoting, hugging, and jeopardy watching.  i am only an hour from marion, so i can get up there a couple times a month to meet with students and spend time in that heart community.  i am close to my family while not living in a room that is full of boxes that have been packed since last april.  when it's warmer out, i have quick access to a pool.  and i have a rad prayer closet in my room.  and it's only ten minutes from work.

wait, what?

yeah, i got a job.  no, it's not specifically using my degrees (and i still wouldn't trade them for anything).  but it is using the sum total of knowledge and skills i have accumulated in thirty years.  i work for capital analysts of the midwest.  i am pretty much a glorified receptionist.  but they want to turn the position into more.  cause of all my sweet aforementioned skills.  ;)  it's a wealth advising/management company.  what they do is pretty cool, actually...helping people steward their money, etc.  i really enjoy the environment there.

reminds me of interning at bridgeway: there is a lot of randomness to my job, and i work for a ton of different people/personalities.

reminds me of managing finish line: there's a money focus (but kind of the opposite of the one there) and a helping people focus.

reminds me of being a financial specialist for rec sports: i get to use excel so much!  i work with checks and help take care of lots of details for many people.

reminds me of grad school stuff: i am interrupted a bunch, get to organize and create helpful systems, and get to make up parts of my job as i go.

reminds me of powernine: i listen to people speak a language i don't understand, i think everything makes more sense in spreadsheets, i direct emails, and i wear t shirts and sweats (ok, that last part is a lie.  i have to wear nicer clothes.)

i guess if you want more, you'll have to ask.  but i like it.  i am in a settled season, which is a nice change for me.

i really am going to try harder about blogging (at least during my nors), so if you have writing challenges you would like to throw at me, i am open.  i may even consider creating a goals list.  so let me know if you have any of those, too.