rant blog: not in the cards

i used to have a secret blog where i ranted about stuff.  not very many people had access to it.  probably for the best.

but there are times where rant blogs are necessary and helpful.  and, as i explained to mj last night, laughing at my pain can ease yours.

so laugh away.  i am [mostly] not full of rage anymore.

...

liz and i are on a budget.  (it turns out that moving is craptastically expensive, and this is why married people get wedding registries.  strike one against singles.)  so in our efforts to save a little cash where possible, when choosing our internet options, we made some decisions.  we bought our modem instead of renting it for $7/month, and we are doing self-installation instead of having someone come do it for us for $40.

so last monday, as i was trying to check out online, it said there would be a $20 shipping fee for the self-installation kit.  this seemed stupid and terrible and in direct contrast to what the helpful sales person had told me in an earlier conversation.  so i talked to another person, and they assured me if i went and picked it up at the location closest to our apartment, i would not have to pay this fee.  awesome.  however, it had to be me, and i had to show my id.  which complicated things a little, as

a) i don't work particularly close to that location
b) they close at 6
c) i get off work at 5

but no worries.  i would bolt out the door and make it there in the nick of time, and everything would be wonderful.  just to give myself peace of mind, i double checked to make sure it would be there that evening.

nope.  they don't keep self-installation kits on hand.  that would be silly.  it would take 3-5 business days to get there. 

as you may recall, i left for wisconsin on thursday after work.  so i conceded that i would not be picking up the kit last week.  not a huge deal.  we were both out of town, so who needed internet anyway?  not us.

so even though i had a long weekend with a lot of driving, i was all set to pick it up on monday.  i left work, hopped on 69-n...and sat still for about an hour.  police had blocked off all lanes going north because of a suspicious backpack.  which turned out to have water bottles in it.  and was reclaimed during the investigation.  sigh.  it was an inconvenience, but i ended up having dinner with my parents since i was rerouted that way anyway.

but yesterday was the day.  it was going to happen.  i sprinted out the door at 4:58 and got on 69-n in record time.  there were absolutely no delays and surprisingly little traffic all the way to anderson.  i couldn't believe it.  i figured it was some kind of justice for the annoyance of the day before.

i got off my exit, turned left, drove about fifteen seconds, and was greeted with a police barricade.  SERIOUSLY?  no idea what they were doing.  so i whipped out my phone and figured out my detour plan.  eta: 5:44.  ok, cutting it closer than i wanted, but i would still make it there in time. 

the detour, unfortunately, took about 300 cars through a stop sign.  which was a bit slow.  so i watched my eta change from 5:44 to 5:48.  5:52.  5:53.  5:58...

i got to the stop sign, turned right, drove, turned left on the road that had been blocked off (still couldn't see why), and booked it through anderson.  don't worry.  even in my panic and stress, i was driving reasonable and safe speeds.  i'm not a lunatic.

cruising along and making up a little bit of time, i think, 'even if i get there right at 6, and they have locked the door, i will bang on it and make them let me in.  i don't even have to pay for anything...just pick it up.'  this made me feel a bit better.

and then there was a train.  i am not making this up.

it was sitting perfectly still on the train tracks for no apparent reason.  i wanted to do violent things.

my eta kept creeping up.  6:02, 6:03.  but i refused to give in.  i had come this far.  it was going to happen.

the train finally moved.  i zipped down the road.  and then came to the heart of downtown anderson, which is full of stoplights and one way streets.  my eta was hovering around 6:02, and i died a little inside every time i had to stop at a light.

i turned on 10th street and searched high and low for this store.  nowhere to be found.  so i did the only thing you can do in this situation.  i kept turning down random one way street s to try and find it.  this resulted in driving several large squares and rectangles around downtown anderson.  but it worked, because on one of these ventures, i spotted a van with the name of the place i was looking for (notice how i have worked so hard at not disparaging the company itself because only some of this annoyance is actually their fault?). 

so i jetted down the street, only to see that it was an exit only.  no idea how i had missed the entrance, i let out a shriek of agony and tried to turn around.  that was a poor decision, but nothing bad happened.  i made a large rectangle around several blocks and realized the entrance was past the exit, which further enraged me.  but i found it and pulled in the parking lot.

i looked at the clock.  6:07.  willing my heart to slow to a normal pace, i walked to the door.  unsurprisingly, it was locked.  heartbroken, i looked inside.  an employee stared back out at me.  and looked away.  i stood around, looking pathetic, for several more minutes, but it was clear there was no way she was going to open the door.

so i drove home.

and we do not have internet.

but maybe someday...

less profound

i feel a certain sense of pressure to write something awesome since my last post got an insane amount of traffic.  (let's be real...insane for me.  normal posts get about 20 views.  the momma post got 300.  what.)

but after a weekend of moving and trying to adjust to a new place and a new drive, i don't have profound thoughts.  i barely have any thoughts at all.

our apartment is cute.  it's nowhere near being finished.  and both of us are leaving for the weekend, so it's remaining a bit incomplete.  oy.  but the move went well.  aside from the washer flooding...that was kind of gross.  many people helped us, and they are wonderful.  even kim, who went to the wrong apartment and carried a box in for strangers.  who were actually moving out.  haha.

i've been pulling out clothes and cds and books (ok, not yet on the books.  but it will happen.) for donations, so the 'donate 31 items' will be done in a heartbeat.

the only other list item of note is that i 'helped' heather with her scavenger hunt.  essentially, i sat on a bench, yelled at high school girls to run faster, and drove home.  now that's what i call qt with the big sis.

and...i am headed to the wisco tomorrow after work to play with mj and jb.  yes, the one and only time my little booty is getting to the great state this entire calendar year.  depressing.  but spending great heart time with my girls.

and...as soon as the apt gets whipped into shape, i'll delight you with some pics.  deuces, everybody.

to the mommas

i have many thoughts on singleness, its joys and struggles, and what i have learned from it.  but those posts are for another day.  today, i want to share something that's been percolating around my little heart lately.

i want to be a mom.  so very much.  thought i should throw that out here at the beginning, but if you've ever had a conversation with me about what i want to do with my life, then you already know it.  (i even say it in interviews.)  that hope and desire permeate everything i am about to say, and i want you to know i feel it very strongly every day.  

so it's a painful sort of delight that just about every other person i run into is pregs, just had a kid, or has like three already.  (and if your name is mrs. bearclaw, then you fit all of those descriptions ...)  recently, i have had some amazing conversations with moms of littles, moms of tweens, and moms of college students.  all i can say is...



i know some damn fine women in this world. 



they are women who prayed ceaselessly for their miracle babies. 
they are women who love and serve their husbands and families.
they are women who are open and honest about their joys and struggles (and we need to hear both!).
they are women who model dependence on the Lord each and every day.

i am so thankful for these women.  not just for who they are as mothers--because that is not what defines them--but for the women they are.  their character.  their courage.  their friendship.  and then for the joy and strength with which they take up the role of motherhood each day. 

the older i get, the more i think being a parent must be one of the more challenging adventures in this world:  to raise up a child and know they may not appreciate anything you do.  to pour love and affection into someone who will make a multitude of wrong and hurtful choices as they grow.  to model so many right things, yet get called out on the others.  to try to protect something so fragile while not smothering it.  it sounds exhausting.  and terrifying.  and completely humbling.

you impress the crap out of me.

also...you should know your kids aren't the only ones watching you.  ignore the world's critical eye for a moment and hear this:

i have been watching you.  and i am awed by you.  i have been sharing some of these joys from a distance.  i have been stunned by the capacity you have to run on three hours of sleep, balance having a high schooler and a kindergartner at the same time, and still truly serve others with a genuine smile.  i have been noticing the subtle ways you model authentic love.  i have been listening to your sorrows and praying for you.  i have been so appreciative of how you allow yourself to be changed into women of greater character through your trials and victories.

i am so thankful for you.

and if you didn't know it, i'm a fiddle player, too...

nope.
i'm not.
but i'm friends with at least two people who are.  so there you go.

dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle,

i am pooped.  which is why i am quoting without any consistency or reason.  yes, there will be some quotes substituting for my actual words in this post.  sorry in advance.

so back to the poopedness.  that's not even a word!

i am in the midst of training for the sprint triathlon.  and it is tuckering me out.  but i think it's good for me in a way that marathon training definitely was not.  a sprint tri means that i swim 500 meters, bike 10 miles, and run 3.1 miles.  i grew up watching ironman competitions, so i have to work hard at telling myself that there is absolutely no reason for me to do that.  because this is super challenging enough for my poor little body.  i have been running regularly since april.  (no particular reason.  i just kept on going.)  so my cardio is there, but adding in two things i am not used to at all is tough stuff.

you can check over on the right side of my blog for any poem updates.  there are some.  but i don't plan on announcing when i put new ones up.  you can also keep track of some of the other things i am doing.  (you may notice i finished a book.  it was a good one.  life together by dietrich bonhoeffer.  i'll have to have some sort of chat with you about it later, cause it was quality.)

this is pathetic, but i am really too tired to write anymore.  i will give you a better post next week.  start working on your suggestions.











...and for those of you who patiently read this but didn't know what i was quoting:

'and if you didn't know it, i'm a fiddle player, too' is from 'the devil went down to georgia'
'dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle' is from 'wicked'
'that's not even a word!' is from 'friends'
'no particular reason.  i just kept on going' is from 'forrest gump'

 

everybody was kung fu fighting

g'day, mates.  welcome to the 'i committed to blog once a week for a year and this is the first week of that' blog.  i'm sure it will be a post full of wonder and adventure, so get your backpack and compass, and we'll be on our way.

yo, did you see this cuteness from my birthday?  please.

with regard to the list, i don't have a lot of updates.  i'm plugging away on my weekly items, although it was more of a challenge this week than it will be most weeks, i think.  i put a good little dent in my running miles, and twice this week, i ran much faster than usual.  so that's weird.  (yesterday, i ran 3.64 miles at 8:06 pace...bizarre.)

i also went through heather's list to try and identify 31 items with which i might want to help.  if you're not familiar with heather (she's my older sister) or her list, go HERE.  you should probably just follow her and make snarky comments.  she'd like that.

for the bulk of this week's post, though, i thought i should probably fill you in on what the heck is going on in my life.

at the moment, i am in my parents' house.  i'm hanging out with b & d for the weekend.  the past three weeks, i have been housesitting for my favorite grownup.  but on monday, i will be back at travis & kelli's.  which should be fun, since my room is currently being painted for baby squishy.  and in two weeks, i am moving.

yay!

well, not yay to the moving part.  but yay to everything it implies:

1) i will have a permanent residence for the first time since jennifer and i lived together.  yeah, that was in 2010.  remember my BLOG from back then?  haha.  :)  (in the past three years, i have lived out of suitcases and boxes (and occasionally dressers) in the following places: mom & dad's, aunt betty & uncle jon's, adam & alicia's, aunt betty & uncle jon's, wigger, mom & dad's, asian holly's, mom & dad's, travis & kelli's, rich & heather's, and travis & kelli's.)  ready. for. a. home.

2) i get to live with liz.  nonstop shenanigans, most likely.  and we will be neighbors with allyse and cam, which will be so fun.

3) i get to unpack all my books!!!!!!!!!!!

4) i get to organize an entire apartment.  my heart is metaphorically exploding with joy about this!

5) we will live in pendleton, which is such a cute little town.  you are all invited to come hang out.  in fact, i'll probably invite you for a meal or a tea party or something else on my list.  :)

five is enough, i think.

i am extremely grateful for the people who have housed me.  but i am so excited for this next chapter.  i would appreciate a lot of prayer in the next couple of weeks.  if you know me at all, you are aware that my mind has gone into insane list-making mode (and not the fun kind of list).  so i am trying to create lots of pauses and space in my days to remind myself to breathe and that the details will come together.

whew.  i'll see you in a week or so.  :)

thirtyoneders "...got it. looks like the o'needers."

i know you have been just chomping at the bit to see what shenanigans i would commit myself to over the course of the next year.  well, wait no longer!  the list is posted.

here's what you should know about my list:

-it starts on sunday.  it lasts for a year.

-some old favorites are back.  it turns out that i like hosting meals and being active.  who knew?

-some old failures are back.  if you've been with me for a while, you know that make my t shirt quilt goes back at least to my 27 things list.  i think it might actually happen this time.

-some of them are a little vague.  this is intentional.  it leaves flexibility.  and if i decide to put something even cooler on my list, one of the vague ones might get removed.  (so if you have a great idea you want to suggest, you still can!)

-many of them are social!  i know, it's difficult to believe that the hermit crab would put so many social items on her list.  if any of them sounds appealing, let me know you want to be invited.

-i am committed to blogging this one out.  and yes, that even means VIDEO blogs.  after watching the lizzie bennet diaries (and if you haven't, you absolutely should.  immediately.  here's the LINK to the first one.), i have been asked to document my nonsense for the world to see.  oy.  i'll keep you posted on that.


let me know what you think!

gentle words

you are loved.
you are not lost.
you are not alone.
tears are redemptive.
sorrow is refining.
you are loved.
you are chosen.
you are wildly blessed.
seasons are illuminating, and they do not last.
you are a grace-bearer.
you are loved.
you are not the same as you were.
you are full of love.
joy comes in the morning.
you are redeemed.
you are loved.

you are beloved.