Saturday, December 28, 2013


just so blessed...

life is not what i expected or hoped for.  but it is rich.  it is rich in love, in hope, in joy.

it's hard to say where this life may take me.  but i am strapped in, eagerly anticipating more.

because that's what he promises: more.  more pain, loss, sorrow, confusion, and being misunderstood--you see, we don't belong here, and this world doesn't get us.  but in every sunrise, he promises more life, more beauty, more delight.  in every rainbow, he promises more faithfulness than we could ask or imagine.  in every star, he promises more generations, more life change, more miracles.

how could i think i was anything but blessed?

Friday, December 20, 2013

something i've learned

emotions are not my master.

this is not an emotions versus reason post.  it's an honest peeling back of some layers around my heart.  i really believe that emotions are good.  and they can be healthy.  except sometimes they aren't.

let me be clear here: it is really important to allow yourself to feel your emotions. 

i have worked hard to do so, because for a long time, i battled depression.  i was at the bottom of a pit and felt everything about a thousand times more than you're really supposed to feel things.  that is why depression is so weighty and why it feels like you can't move.  a pretty natural response, as you are coming up out of that, is to choose to not feel anything at all: it's numb and lonely, but it is lighter.  and easier.

but it's still not very healthy.

so i have actively pursued allowing myself to feel all my feelings, whatever they looked like.  i went from being dead inside to someone who cries nearly every time she prays.  it's weird for me, but it is a direct result of the Lord tenderizing my heart (yes, please do picture pounding the heck out of meat, because that is how it feels sometimes).

and feeling those feelings can be exhausting and downright terrifying.

so sometimes i will feel sad and angry and overwhelmed by the world. and i need to feel them.

but i need to cling tightly to the knowledge that those emotions are not my master.  they do not own me.  they cannot drag me over a cliff.  they.are.temporary.  no matter how heavy they are, they will pass.

this is my hope:
"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. Then I will praise you with music on the harp, because you are faithful to your promises, O my God. I will sing praises to you with a lyre, O Holy One of Israel. I will shout for joy and sing your praises, for you have ransomed me."  Psalm 71:20-23 NLT

Thursday, December 12, 2013

12) winter bane (a double haiku)

"Don't forget: hydrate!"
...but then I will have to pee.
And when I wash them,
my hands need lotion.
"Combat dry skin: drink water!"
The cycle repeats.

Holly Willman 12/12/13

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

winter weight in the winter wait

some people love winter.  i just don't.  and it's more than not loving winter.  it's actually really struggling during winter.  (yes, i lived in wisconsin.  no, i am not sure how i survived those winters.)

winter is hard, depleting, draining.
winter is a time when i want to hibernate.  get this girl into some sweatpants and don't bother her till april.  that kind of hibernate.
winter literally destroys my skin, cracking all around my fingernails and drying out everywhere.  i have to shove vaseline up my nose just to keep it from bleeding.  and i am so itchy!
winter makes me physically joints hurt like i'm a hundred and my head weighs a thousand pounds.  there is snow and ice all over the ground, so i can't go out and run.  also, it's 11 degrees out, so i don't actually want to run.  and not running makes my body feel blahhhhhh.

and you know what else?

winter is a terribly hard time to be a single person in this world.

i love my family of origin, and i adore my niece and nephews.  i am incredibly blessed and thankful for my family of creation, too--the community i am building throughout my lifetime that is not dependent on last names (although i feel so grateful that i enjoy my family as friends, too). 


i'm not sure if there's ever a time where it is so painfully thrust upon me that i am still in this season of singleness.


dear friends, as an ardent believer in and lover of Jesus Christ who still lives in this world, i recognize that life is in constant tension.  and here's part of mine: being present in and thankful for the season of life that i am in while passionately desiring a husband with whom to partner and children to raise up in joy and grace.


so i wait.  and i take heart that, though circumstances may seem to dictate otherwise, God is not absent in the wait.  when they hid, he pursued his children in eden.  when they suffered, he heard their cries in egypt.  when they wandered, he led them like a shepherd in israel.  when they waited for 400 years in silence, he came to meet them in bethlehem. 

in the advent season, we wait because he is coming.  what a promise!  what a hope!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

be still my heart

it is no secret that i love babies.  i love how little they are.  i love how soft they are.  i love how they smell (the clean smell, not the poopy smell).  i love their little faces and feet and hands and mouths.

i have loved many babies in my life, but i love my niece and nephews best of all.  and this new

i could literally eat his face off.  i am just so madly in love.

you guys, he cries like a baby dinosaur.  come on!  how could you not want to nuzzle him just all the time??