what i do like to talk about...

so i like to find blogs and articles and send them to people.  this has multiple purposes.  one, i just like sharing things that are awesome.  recipes, cool apps, an unreasonable amount of pictures of my niece and nephews...you get the idea.  two, when i resonate with the heart of the article/book/blog, sharing it is a way of sharing part of myself without having to come up with all the words on my own.  as an introvert, sometimes i just don't have enough words.  and three, sharing something important to my heart is a way to stimulate thoughts and conversation about real life stuff.

speaking of sharing, i hope you've been checking out mj's blog.  you can subscribe by email, so there's no reason not to!  just go here and do that quickly.  then come back.

ok welcome back.  :)

this blog i write is not about singleness.  it's not about introverts.  it's not about middle children.  it's about life--the stress, the mess, the grace, and the joy.  but because my life encompasses singleness, introversion, and middle children (ok, i don't write about being the middle child very often--it's probably more in the undertones.), i write about these things from time to time.

and let's face it.  it can be a struggle to be a single introverted middle child.  talk about the short end of the social stick, am i right?

so here's one of my shares: this week, i sent a link to this blog to a few people.  you'll notice it in mj's blog, too.  it has some great words, and i would love for you to read it.  it talks about singleness in a very real way.  what i love most about it is how continually inclines toward Jesus.  i think that's incredibly important when talking about anything that we are chewing on--matters of the heart that just don't sit or fit.  no matter where you're at or what you're feeling, learning to press into it.  search out God in it.

and i think it's helpful to talk about these things as they relate to the body.  it's difficult to be a single person in the church (thank you, Jesus, for my small group!), and it is easy to feel misunderstood or even forgotten.  but i think it's also tricky to articulate how we need the church to love us and care for us.  it's challenging at times to affirm in ourselves that we are not less-than because we do not have spouses.  it's hard hard hard to answer questions about why we are STILL single.  it's frustrating to carry the hope of being a wife and mother while also trying to live fully and authentically.

so we wait.  we pray.  we hope.  we cry.  and we wrestle with the questions.  we give ourselves to the process and to community.  we share, and we talk.

this is life.

late again

i had a whole bunch of 'i need to do' things this weekend that somehow slipped past me.  like blogging on time.  oh well. 

i went on the women's retreat with my church on friday and saturday, and i think my biggest takeaway from it was this:

i am extremely blessed to have a community of single women in my life stage in my immediate and physical presence.  there have been many seasons of life where this wasn't true, and i am beyond thankful for it now.

but having our small group surrounded by many other women who are no longer in our life stage was useful, too.  because we have much to learn from one another.

i think many churches today struggle to serve single people--and single women in particular.  mj shared a really great blog the other day that discussed this very idea.  (here's the link, if you missed it: http://lindseysthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/12/17/6-ways-to-love-single-women-in-your-church/)

so it is easy for me to sit in a group of women who are married and have kids and feel grossly misunderstood and forgotten.  it is easy for me to let waves of sadness drown me instead of listening to their hearts.  it is easy for me to close off and not want to be vulnerable with women whose lives look nothing like mine.

BUT--and this is a big old giant but--i know i do a huge disservice to my church (and the Church) when i allow bitterness and sadness and jealousy to cause me to miss the many ways they are really loving, connecting with, and serving me.  it is a delicate balance, and there will probably always be a tension surrounding it.  that's usually the case when people who are so different are in the same space.  that doesn't, however, mean that the tension cannot be couched with love and grace.

my favorite grownup has been loving on me, listening to me, encouraging me, challenging me, and speaking life into me for the past twelve years.  she and i have been in completely different life stages for that entire time.  i can't even begin to imagine all the wisdom, laughter, joy, and community i would have missed out on had heather dawn not come into my life...or if i had chosen to shut my heart off from her because our lives look so different.

my heart is free and vulnerable with heather dawn because she has modeled abundant life to me.  she has genuinely cared for me.  she has laughed and cried with me.  so i trust her.  i choose to be authentic with her because i believe she loves me.  if i am going to love the church well, i must consistently choose to believe that they love me.  even if their lives are different.  even if i feel misunderstood. 

because i believe that's what the church is supposed to be--intentional, authentic community moving toward one another in a spirit of love and grace.

i'll try being delightful

just as a nice change of pace, today i will discuss delightful things.  let's see.  where to start?

1) a delightful memory: in fifth grade, we had classroom auctions.  my favorite thing i ever bought at one of these auctions was a typewriter.  i still own this typewriter, although it is sitting in my parents' basement.  i think typewriters are super cool.  i love the noise they make.  however, when i am writing on my computer, i edit while i type.  so...that would be tedious and awful on a typewriter.  also, typewriters make me think of frank in you've got mail.

2) a delightful movie: you've got mail.  enough said.  but not really...enough good things could never be said about this movie.  i love it, and it tightly binds my heart with mj and jb's. 

3) a delightful near-future event: jb is turning 30 in a few weeks!  this is wonderful, because she has graced the world for three decades.  and because it means i get to go to wisconsin. 

4) a delightful near-past event: i helped pull out one of shorty mcgee's teeth last week.  she was a lot like heather in this whole process...as in, i could have blown on it to make the tooth fall out...that's how loose it was.  ha.

5) a delightful medical update: i used to have nosebleeds alllllllll the time when i was little.  but with the exception of being smashed in the face with a broomball stick and a frisbee, i can't think of any other recent nosebleeds.  heehee...i know you want to see this picture.  classic. 

(for those of you unfamiliar with the situation, i was playing broomball with junior high students and took a stick squarely to the face.  this picture was a few days after it occurred.  the result was a shattered nose, stitches, and two black eyes.  it.was.awesome.  (aside within an aside here: when i say it was awesome, i legitimately mean that.  i love injuries, and this was the first time i had ever gotten stitches.))

6) a delightful heart thing: our small group started last thursday, and i really love them.  i love them so much that i created a spreadsheet that has multiple tabs, and i contemplated how i could incorporate conditional formatting.  community and spreadsheets.  yesss.  which obviously leads me to...

7) a delightful work thing: spreadsheets are sooooo great!  i like that i have a job where i get to use them with regularity.

8) a delightful sports thing: i am delighted by the number of badgers in the super bowl this year.

9) a delightful food thing: aunt sue's tea house in marion certainly qualifies as delightful.  mmm.  tea.  scones.  i am drooling just thinking about it.  must.roadtrip.soon.

i bet you didn't know i had ten delightful things in me today, huh?  here it is:

10) a delightful truth: winter ends.  it always does. 

ice cold

you may have noticed that i was done with people last week.  just.done.

a large part of that stems from the winter.  i don't handle it well, physically or emotionally.  i feel like i have talked about this ad nauseum; sorry, but i'm not sorry.  i am releasing in an effort to maintain some semblance of my sanity during this season.  and it's helped, but this winter just happens to be a beast.

well, the Lord has a sense of humor. 

this girl (the one done with people) got trapped in a house with three other people from saturday night through yesterday morning.

and it was really just what my heart needed. 

as per the usual, it was not what i would have chosen.  i was leaning toward that 'running away and hiding and waiting to slowly evaporate' thing.  but no.  there wasn't a place to run.  i didn't really have much alone time or quiet space.  we were all just kind of on top of each other for days.

the Lord can do some miraculous healing through community, you know that?  i started learning about it on summer project ten years ago, and the lessons just keep coming. 

my heart got a group hug that lasted for days.  and i walked out of there feeling so blessed and thankful that these are my people.  they love me and do life with me.  so that's pretty cool.

f&s: mid-semester check-up

so when i set my blog schedule last month, i apparently thought this would be a good time for a mid-semester check-up. that's all i wrote, though, so i don't know if i had something very specific in mind. but i guess i'll just give you a little update on life things.

a) school is going really well. of course, i say that just two days removed from spring break, so maybe i am deluding myself. quite possible. in fact, i have a lot of things due this week that i am really having trouble motivating myself to do. so when i say school is going really well, i should probably clarify.

i love being a student. even more than i loved it last semester. i am in the groove of it; i love learning; i love being on a campus and around students.

i have felt much less stressed out this semester. there are multiple factors that feed into that, but the next month and a half will likely heighten the stress level because a million things are due.

b) i have been sick basically all semester, but i feel pretty much ok now. still coughing, but everything else is working as well as it ever does, so not much to complain about here. the weather is taking a turn for the better this week (supposedly), so i expect to be running more. gotta get my booty in shape for frisbee this summer.

c) i am slowly building community here (and not trying to force myself to be so uncomfortable this semester), but i really miss madison and the people there...so i am spending the summer up north...playing frisbee...rockin the world. it's gonna be rad.

d) i have been better about the blog than i expected. i have not been as good about other writing every day. even so, i am definitely writing much more than i did last year; i have good focus and direction for my book; writing more consistently is helping me creatively. it would help me if you gave me some writing projects, so if you have ideas, let me know.

anything else you'd like an update on in my life?

puhlease

i guess i am kind of a weirdo in that i usually like to hang out in the 'less popular' books of the bible. i'll go chill in isaiah for a while...kick it in the peters (which sounds kind of dirty now that i have typed it)...tool around in hosea...when i was in high school, i don't even know how many times i read job. followed closely by the number of times i read lamentations. you can see what a cheery kid i was.

but hey, um...i mean, can we talk about the book of romans for a second?

sick.

so i guess it's just been a while (maybe since sometime last year) that i really dug my heels into romans. but holy crap, kids. this book is RIDICULOUS.

every day, i read something like it's the first time i've ever even read it. i want to sign right up for paul's army of champion christian soldiers. the whole book is just stupid (in a freaking great way)...every chapter has me underlining and writing 'YES!' in the margins like i'm sitting in the pews of a southern baptist church. 'PREACH ON, BROTHER PAUL! THAT'S RIGHT!' haha.

let's look at chapter 12 for a moment. please. it's just...i can't even come up with a word right now. i am chomping my gum and shaking my head to find the correct adjective for how bad ass this chapter is.

'don't just pretend to love others. really love them. hate what is wrong. hold tightly to what is good. love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.' romans 12: 9-10

before i read this, i had just gotten done writing in my journal about how thankful i was for the community that God has lavished on me here. i wrote about that last week. he is so not done with me. my prayer for community was a weak, wannabe prayer. kind of like how before i went to myrtle beach, i prayed that he would teach me to trust and be vulnerable with others. he must just laugh hysterically at me and say, 'oh, girl, you have no idea what i have in store for you.'

so anyway, i really feel like he is pointing out, 'hey, i heard your prayer (as half-hearted as it may have been), and i am delighted to answer it. but i don't just want you to have friends in marion. i want you to invest deeply. really love them. press into them, and allow them to press into you. your love for one another is a symbol of my love for you. know me more through them. in your love for others, you will show me.'

wow. :)


get it? they're romans.

community

you know how sometimes-------so rarely, really-------i act like a hermit and never leave my room?

'what's that,' you say. 'holly, a hermit? i wouldn't believe it even if it saw it! holly is outgoing and loves meeting people! she likes to socialize and share her life with others.'

FALSE. i am not, do not, never will, and often do only against my will.

but...

i have been rather convicted about that. sometimes God uses people to convict me of it. like when they flat out call me a hermit to my face. sometimes he just puts it on my heart. either way, before i left wisconsin, i publicly declared (and by publicly declared, i mean i told like three people) that i would intentionally seek out community at school so that i would have people to invest in and with whom to be authentic. (as opposed to what i did when i moved to wisconsin, which was...nothing. for a year.)

i made the deliberate decision to have a class be on campus (instead of all three being online.) i have attended social type things. i said, yes! i want a mentor in the grad program. yes! i will go hang out as long as liz will drive me. yes! i will go hang out even when liz won't drive me.

these are all kind of big steps for me, as sad as that might be.

but here's the coolest part of it...

i am making friends! :)

sometimes, i sound like a kid who just got back from her first day of kindergarten.