Friday, December 20, 2013

something i've learned

emotions are not my master.

this is not an emotions versus reason post.  it's an honest peeling back of some layers around my heart.  i really believe that emotions are good.  and they can be healthy.  except sometimes they aren't.

let me be clear here: it is really important to allow yourself to feel your emotions. 

i have worked hard to do so, because for a long time, i battled depression.  i was at the bottom of a pit and felt everything about a thousand times more than you're really supposed to feel things.  that is why depression is so weighty and why it feels like you can't move.  a pretty natural response, as you are coming up out of that, is to choose to not feel anything at all: it's numb and lonely, but it is lighter.  and easier.

but it's still not very healthy.

so i have actively pursued allowing myself to feel all my feelings, whatever they looked like.  i went from being dead inside to someone who cries nearly every time she prays.  it's weird for me, but it is a direct result of the Lord tenderizing my heart (yes, please do picture pounding the heck out of meat, because that is how it feels sometimes).

and feeling those feelings can be exhausting and downright terrifying.

so sometimes i will feel sad and angry and overwhelmed by the world. and i need to feel them.

but i need to cling tightly to the knowledge that those emotions are not my master.  they do not own me.  they cannot drag me over a cliff.  they.are.temporary.  no matter how heavy they are, they will pass.

this is my hope:
"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. Then I will praise you with music on the harp, because you are faithful to your promises, O my God. I will sing praises to you with a lyre, O Holy One of Israel. I will shout for joy and sing your praises, for you have ransomed me."  Psalm 71:20-23 NLT

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